I am really distracted and not studying enough lately.. Running behind with all my jobs.. Is it ok if I blame the elections? I think they made me ill but I’ve been trying to pretend that I was less moved than I am.
Also we are in the middle of trying to figure everything out: house move not knowing where to yet, big life changing decisions.. And I feel like I am sort of in Groundhog Day, just Bill Murray isn’t here, nor are groundhogs..
Just the time and life consuming energy hungry constant reinvention of the wheel.. J wants me to stay until the end of the year and I only ever want to wake up next to him, the idea of not waking up next to him is horrible. But I also am wearing so thin on this moving house every few weeks business, and never quite knowing what or where life happens in 3 weeks from now.
Intercontinental romance: perfect on so many levels. But without a trust fund it is hard as a rock and tangled like a whole car full of yarn balls that a whole family of kitten has been let loose on..
Writing this while deeply exhausted and unsure what should happen or when or where, except: I would most like to keep waking up next to J. But I might need to go and drop this juggling match to be still somewhere.. Wish I had a friend who had this life, too and whom I could ask for the recipe to making it bake right…
Stay in the US to help Jason in the busiest month while ultra tired or abandon the man and go be tired in Liverpool and wrestle my old friends for help to get me a job at a theatre for a few hours a week while I re-settly my soul.
I can only say: ugh I am too tired to even contemplate.
If anybody dares say: “why don’t you just….” followed by anything akin to: “…make a decision” or “….get a 9-5 job”, then I may have to wring your neck, despite me in greatest likelihood really seriously and thoroughly liking you tremendously much.
NEVER ever use the word ‘just’ when dealing with a messy, complex, interesting but exhausted life situation. You can bet your pennies and cotton socks that whatever you think I should ‘just’ do I will have examined from every external and internal angle many times over and it greatest, humongous likelihood will know way more about than anybody else. Some time back a doctor tried sending me to a councillor so I could talk with somebody about how difficult it is when you don’t know what will happen with immigration regulations.. I passed. I would be spending my allotted 10 sessions just bringing the councillor up to scratch with what the regulations are and what conundrums we are facing aside form immigration policies.. And I just see no point in spending the energy to lecture a councillor on something they can damn well go pay to take a course on. It’s certainly not helpful for me to be giving free comparative immigration lectures on the policies of 3 different countries.
In case you might STILL be hanging on the illusion that I don’t work… bawhaaaaaaa get to know me better!
Ok, I had my exhaustion fuelled mumbling grumble…
Suggestions always welcome, just careful I might accidentally bite off your head. I don’t mean it, promise….
Birgit Over 7 Seas 