I have had this website for so long, and for a while it was fun, I always thought that it would become a business.. But then so much happened in life and I couldn’t quite find my direction.

Right now the world seems to be falling apart, we are all struggling and the news are dark and darker; people’s worries are dark and darker. And it’s a lot. In the middle of it our business is wobbly and I am not sure if we will have the money for the next month rent of home, studio & storage space.

I’m caught between countries, citizen of none of the places I have tried to build a life, everyone is overwhelmed; returning to my home country is as scary as not returning; staying and applying for citizenship where I am is as scary as not staying and applying.

Everything scares me, everything is out of balance. And I feel very unmoored.

The only way forward that I can see is to keep going. But as I keep paddling I am ever more isolated. Living abroad started so well, staying abroad was so good for my self-fulfillment, for finding versions of myself that I couldn’t have found if I had stayed where I am from.

But somewhere down the road, living abroad became complicated when global economy slowed down, the sentiments and sense of security changed, at first so, so slowly and then, suddenly from one day to another.

Then just as I found some confidence to begin my ‘content creation’ journey (it’s not just that, but it’s easier to call it that) AI arrived with a bang, it ran down the door and whosh here it is. New fears, on top of already almost unsurmountable old fears.

What is real and what isn’t real ? – now that is a question I have to ask myself every time I see anything physically in front of me.

I started intermittent fasting again, yes for health, but also because it saves money. Whatever happened? This wasn’t how this was meant to go.

Do you know where I sleep? On the yoga mats, on a duvet, under another duvet on the floor. It’s ok, but it’s also a bit… NOT at all how I pictured all my work and later all my sacrifices to work out.

Now I am scared of the future, of illness, of the world, and everything else. I don’t know how to futureproof myself. Well, I do know: I HAVE to change something. Nothing can pre-empt every twist and turn of this world, but it is time for me to learn to live with joy in my heart, more joy than fear. Because a lifetime spent being afraid of everything hasn’t helped me one bit.

So.. here it was another journal entry, that probably doesn’t belong into the public eye. But I have to begin somewhere and I think I want you to understand where I am starting: I am starting from something like ground zero. It’s all come crashing down and I can not choose giving up, I really DO have to choose to keep going.

• ebay, list something and don’t be disheartened when it doesn’t immediately sell
• ask someone to accept my invitation link to an app that just offered me $100 if someone I recommend signs up & activates it according to a checklist of 4-5 actions.
• make my first video for the video course I am taking.

I can NOT allow myself to give up and I can NOT allow myself to keep doubting every possibility. I lose more time doubting than I would lose trying

Which one: eBay first? or print the video instructions & follow them first?