We got my car un–stuck today. We were able to roll it across the car park into a better position for the scrap people to come and load it onto their truck. Hopefully I can get this done in the next day or two. The car is now the main obstacle between me and my return to Jason.
The storage unit is too full. There are too many things in my friend’s house but it’s reached the point at which I will have to just do what I can and let barely good enough be good enough. It is time to get a break. This was a harrowing experience, filled with grief, disorientation and bone deep distress. It’s time to seek what remains in the ashes of life and time to look for life under the ashes. What can rise from this?
All along I was aware of silver linings here and there. It’s a strategy to get through the impossible = search for something, any glimmer of good that can emerge from what appears to be nothing but horrible.
Below is just a little venting ramble about an experience I had today. It felt good to write it down. But serves no further purpose. So do save yourself the time, maybe. Don’t read it. Come back instead for something more uplifting or purposefully informative.
Speaking of horrible: Today I also had the strangest experience with a new former neighbour. (She moved into the house shortly before I moved out.) I forgot that people exist who take no pleasure in being even a little helpful, people who complain about having provided a minute amount of easement in a situation. People who feel put out by having moved their car for 5 whole minutes. Just 5 minutes.
The amount of times I go out of my way to help someone. The number of times I was ready to help even people whom I don’t particularly like. And then a perfect stranger got in a mood about my asking her to move her car so that we would have more room to manoeuvre my fossil of a car, so that it can be moved from the shared car park, so that her view out of her window won’t be that of my derelict car but of whatever changing scene takes place once it is gone.
I know, I KNOW this is so tedious. I KNOW. But I can’t help it. She was in a huff about moving her car. Involving turning her car key, and turning it again 5 minutes later. How was that too much to ask? People never cease to baffle me.
I forget that people exist who prioritise making others feel bad. People who prioritise showing their discontent. Grey skinned people. With frowns.
I know that my ageing face, too, will show frown lines. But it isn’t usually the face I purposely pull when someone asks me for a little help.
When I just think of how kind my friend with so few resources has been to me. And how kind I am to others. And then this grey faced frowning woman and her grey faced, scowling ‘fella’ … One can but wonder how sad they might be. Maybe they had a fight just prior? I want to find a reason that excuses being so unkind. I want to find a reason that would explain making others feels so uncomfortable and unwelcome. But there isn’t one is there?
I have been in so much hardship and I don’t think I ever treat people in a way that feels like I purposely want to make them suffer.
My friend called them postulant people. I am afraid this suits them well.
I really forget that people like this exist. And then I always find it so strange when people tell me how thoughtful and kind I am to them. Like as if it was something unusual. It isn’t until I run into people so distinctly unkind that I realise why people find what is normal to me, so special. People deserve better. Let’s be kind to others. Let’s be helpful when we can. Let’s also learn to draw our boundaries when we have to.
Boundaries drawing is one of the hardest things and it can feel really horrible to do as well as to be the recipient of.
But also don’t go over board with being so agreeable that it leaves you exhausted. Draw your boundaries if your mental and physical health requires it. It doesn’t have to look like scowling at people when they ask for 5 minutes help. That isn’t boundaries drawing that’s just being mean. But draw your boundaries where you need them. Because then you can focus on building a life.. (tangent alert.. I better stop here. yes, mid-sentence.)