I have been trying to get move ready for 14 continuous days. And I am not ready to leave. It remains a task that seems impossible. Yesterday I waxed lyrical about mindset and in the future focusing on financial wellbeing. But after taking another 2 cars full to the storage unit today I simply crumbled.
It doesn’t help that the unit closes at 6pm, a time that is just too early in the day to be able to get anyone to help me move after their day at work.
For the most part I am alone with this entire experience. Here and there a friend has a few kind words, two friends helped me move a batch of belongings but ultimately it’s my stuff and my problem.
I almost rented a van today but am now so glad that I didn’t. After moving the two loads today I couldn’t lift my arms and could barely stand up. If I had rented a van it would have been a waste. There is only so much I am physically capable of doing.
Having so many attachments to material possessions that I clearly can’t handle them on my own should be enough of a message to let go. But where do I begin? I have already let go of at least 60% of everything I had 10 years ago. What is left of me when nothing that defines my interests and life stays in my life?
I always dreamt of a library of books. That’s what I have. But that is also what is breaking my spirit now that I had to move it. I held on to art and frames to keep OPEN the possibility for me to return to creating Art. Something I had to give up when it was a choice between my relationship or my life as an Artist.
It would explode the parameters of this post to go into why I HAD to choose. I resent it when people choose the easy, to them, option of blaming my partner. It isn’t his fault. I wish people would take time to understand before judging.
I didn’t want to give up my art work and life as Artist but love was more important. Yet what does it say about everything that I am holding on to my art materials.
When I look back then a lot of what I created wasn’t even all that good. Or was it? People still tell me that they love my Art work. And I did win awards. I was mentioned as an artist to watch in 2011 by a leading British newspaper, I had other achievements to report beyond these.
When I have to say goodbye to my possessions that anchor me in this past in which I clearly knew my identity then I am dying inside. I sacrificed so much to reach a certain point as an Artist, then I gave all that up to invest in love, but I thought maybe, just maybe I can find space for myself again.. somehow.
Well. And now I should let it go.
What should I let go? My Art materials? The 1 meter by 1.5 meters of frames? That would cost me at least £1000 to remake, and at minimum double this to have someone else make them for me??
I find myself confronted with a hard reality that I have been able to partially avoid until now. I am not interested in minimalism. How can I create from nothing?
I am becoming so desperate now that I may throw out a stack of magazines that are a useful source. Fuck the internet. Don’t even tell me “you can look everything up on the internet.” I call utter bullshit on this notion. There are so many things wrong with this belief that the internet is the answer to everything. Also here is a little reality check: There is NO way that the internet will remain free and available as it is today. The cost of participation won’t always stay this low. What if I want to have access to knowledge and inspiration when the electricity goes off? Or when I simply don’t want everything being mediated to me via a screen? Aren’t you sick of everything requiring your screens? I am. And I can say that as an absolute tech nerd who also praises technology for all the benefits it brings.
But I don’t picture my life with a computer screen and a bed and nothing else. That’s not the quality and aesthetic I want to invite in my life. Why am I the weirdo for wanting to curate a life of meaning captured in objects?
So do I have to give up on these photography and craft magazines now? I got them as a resource. If we take all our resources to the tip / recycling centre then what do we grow from? What do we build on?
This is also one of the friggin’ loneliest times in my life. And it feels like I speak a different language from everyone around myself. It’s like they can’t comprehend, not even a little, how traumatic a loss of a home is. What is happening to people? Can they really not imagine what it is like, physically & emotionally, to lose a home and having to face moving everything?
The amount of people who tell me to get rid of everything! It’s distressing. Why don’t they get rid of their life’s meaning? “Ah, we don’t have to move.” That’s not a good explanation why they discount what is integral to me.
Mind you, when I look around: the majority of people have stuffed their own lives full to the brim, too. Why can’t they show empathy!? At least what burdens me is what I create with, hope to create with. Other people pack their bargain hunts into every crevice of their homes.
It’s no use.
I need to let go. Of something.
The futon I wanted to keep for guests of the future. Stacks of magazines I spent 100s on to purchase to keep in my library. The many countless objects that set the scene on the stage of my life.
So far I have moved 6 storage unit trolleys full into storage (trolleys are now the measure for my belongings.). I think I can move 6 more before the unit will be too full to accept more. But I don’t think that 6 trolleys will be enough. I will have more still.
Excuse my circuitous ruminations. It’s a horrible experience. And it’s all the harder for going through it mostly alone. (with the exception of the 2 friends who offered helpful relief.)