journal, Life, Location Independent Income & Life, money, over7seas, personal finance, Women over 40
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An update to losing my home – June 2022

Technically I have 2 days remaining before I need to be moved out of my home. If you have never been asked to leave before then I don’t know how to convey to you the visceral grief this is causing in the body, my body.

I have spent days trying to pack, days in such deep grieving I could barely move, I have discovered how to manage to go back to sleep when the stress wakes me up, I have discovered how friendships are real but they don’t replace a professional emotional support professional nor do they guarantee the muscle power and vehicle access needed to accomplish a task like mine.

It’s hard. I have now spent 3-4 weeks in a state of panic and that is certainly not healthy. It also doesn’t help in making simple strategic decisions.

The truth is that I don’t want to move, I feel like I can’t. But I must. I have finally gotten storage. That should have been the very first thing I made arrangements for but an extremely stressed brain may not be able to perform even the most basic tasks. Not even the most obvious ones. Circle back here when you have experienced that yourself. Until then it sounds unimaginable.

I was hoping that I would manage to let go of a lot of things. Instead I spend a day to let go of 5 items. At this pace I will spend a year sitting outside the house on the sidewalk (pavement to you Brits) sifting through what remains, which is the majority of it.

My apartment (flat to you Brits) measures about 75 square meters, an ungodly amount of it is a labyrinthine hallway that serves no real use. Despite this huge size there are only 2 walls in the entire flat that can accommodate art work or a book shelf. As sunny and fantastic as the flat is in many ways : it was always impractical for creative purpose.

Why am I sidetracking? I am trying to tell myself why it is good to let the apartment go. I just need to let go.

What is the cause of the panic?
Longterm health issues, fear of falling down a patchy social safety net, fear of never finding a sun filled home again, regardless of the size. Fear of many things, existential fears. All rooted ultimately in a lifelong entanglement with lack of trust in myself and the world.

How fast an investigation into one’s emotions turns into what amounts to a mental health analysis.

I’m ok.
THIS is my cue to thrive. because THIS surely is rock bottom. And from here are few options. And the only one I can subscribe to is the rising of the Phoenix from the ashes and crumbles of a life that didn’t go according to plan.

I lost my home, maybe you are losing yours one day. I have just spent 4+ weeks unable to deal with anything else at all besides managing this experience of leaving my safe place, my stuffed to the rim with my past life’s creations apartment. Since 2009 I have spent countless weeks letting go of belongings I accumulated. When I had more time I would sell them on ebay, when I had less time I would give them away. Every time I came back to the UK and spent time away from the one I love I would downsize. (At the height of my career, when I lived with one foot in London and the other in the Northwest of England, I had 2 art studios, 2 places of residence and a storage garage when I began.)

It doesn’t need to be this traumatic. There is ONE choice we can make that will prevent all of the trauma.

The choice is called trusting yourself, myself, that what I know and can do has value and that it is time to get paid.

It is 2022 and I still sometimes accept payment that undercuts what my peak earning potential was in 1999. I am being honest with you because this is not ok and I know many others who also remain stuck in times past. I have seen many clients in the last year who seem to feel that there is virtue in not asking for enough payment for their time and service. I have had clients who conflate making a living income as an entrepreneur with immoral wealth generation of sharks.

The longer we don’t adapt to the new economy the worse the outcome. And yes, it may just make you homeless, too. Perhaps you aren’t renting but you own a place? Well, imagine your house burned down. Could you survive in the current economy? If the answer is no then something isn’t right.

I am obviously currently consumed by dealing with the emotional tsunami of grieving parts of my past identity and struggling with concealing my rational brain with my emotional attachments. I am still trying to reduce my belongings but I also am going to have to accept that I still can’t let go of enough of the noose that my possessions form around my neck. I can’t let go of enough for it to not be a life limiting burden. No matter how rational I am able to think, I can’t overcome emotional attachment in a hurry.

I IMPLORE you to begin your process today. Let go of one item each and every day for the rest of your life. Let go of more than you acquire. Poverty and fear are your driving forces if you can’t let go. Both need working on.

Imagine one of your cluttered rooms in a year from now, if 350 items were gone from it the next time today’s date strikes your calendar. I promise you relief.

Your financial welfare is a separate topic, but you may find that if just a few of the 350 items you let go of sold for a few coins then it might inspire you to reach for more (money not stuff!)

Where does this all leave me today?
It is 3pm, I am typing this far too open message to you to calm myself down and coax myself into taking action today. I have only 3-5 effective hours each day. That’s not enough. But we need to work with our limitations. Not having more energy doesn’t mean that it’s not worth trying to keep going.
Keep going.

I will now bite the sour apple and research a van rental. I haven’t driven in 4-5 years and am nervous about that, too. This eviction is challenging me on SO many levels. But I have now concluded that it may be easier to face my own weaknesses than to wait for others who take time to help me. I don’t actually enjoy asking for help. But when I do and people have their won lives to manage then I feel deflated and unloved. And a whole rabbit warren of emotions unfurls. Instead I will just be my own woman and power through this. Then I can let friends share their genuine care for me in the other ways that they have available. They aren’t bad friends for not having the bandwidth or physical energy to get involved in the mess that I created. This is my mess, my problem, yes I would LOVE more help, but also YES it’s ok that I deal with this mostly on my own.

I have had one friend go above and beyond helping me with the first large load of belongings. I don’t want this friend to feel that he has to do more. And to avoid him feeling that I have to make some progress now.

I, I, I , I… maybe it is useful to hear about my emotional world as I navigate eviction, losing my flat, trying to move through emotional attachment to material possessions and move out of the place that gives me one of the last bits of security. After this there is only 1 anchor left in my life, my beautiful relationship. Imagine the fear I feel that anything could happen to it.

How to feel less fear: Grow more by challenging yourself more.

Challenge #1 rent a van and drive the friggin thing.
Challenge #2 write my course material outline for my clients / students. Define my goals and offering clearer so that my clients know what they are investing in and what to expect.
Challenge #3 uncouple myself a little from my dependance on my romantic partner. Make a bit of space to grow myself and be able to contribute more back into the relationship. As a longtime ago friend once said to me: The columns of a building have to stand apart to hold up the building. Quite true.
Challenge #4 I think 1-3 is quite enough for today.

And what should YOU do if you are evicted?
• Find money to pay for storage.
• Get boxes (pay for clear ones if you can = much easier to see what you have)
• Pack thematically.
• Move in stages or move all at once, whatever works for you. For me moving in stages is easier.
• Breathe, keep going, work to your schedule as much as possible. (I can’t do mornings during this time. Everything I do takes place in the afternoon & evening.)

• Change your relationship to earning money. Change your attitude to others. Aquire trust and optimism, despite any evidence you may hold to the contrary.

If that means wildly oversharing in public then that is fine. Maybe more people should be honest about hardship. Maybe then we all could feel less like we are the only odd ones out here.

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